Anger and other strong feelings

Hitting, biting, screaming, throwing, kicking, crying: all this is normal for a developing child and part of growing up. For parents and other caregivers, this can be exhausting and sometimes even overwhelming.

Below you will find information and tips on how you can support children in dealing with their feelings.

Learning to deal with feelings is one of the biggest tasks of developing children. Be it anger, sadness, frustration, shame, fear, exuberant joy, guilt or jealousy: Your child should be able to express all feelings, even if they feel uncomfortable.

How do children learn to deal with strong feelings?

In infancy

Infants cannot self-regulate feelings yet. They will express their needs for food, closeness or sleep through crying. Infants are completely dependent on their caregivers. This means it is very important that you recognise their feelings, comfort them and fulfil their needs. Here, you will find further information on calming your child down.

As toddlers

Later, children learn how to deal with their feelings. Negative feelings in particular can trigger unexpected physical reactions in toddlers. For example, hitting, biting or pounding can indicate a child needs something. Such behaviour is particularly common at ages two and three. At this age, children develop more independence. What used to be known as the "terrible twos" is now also called the "autonomy phase".

You can show your child alternative or better methods for dealing with strong feelings.

How can you support your child in this?

Talk to your child about their feelings.
Show them how to express their feelings. Use picture books or your own experiences, for example. Role-play can be helpful in re-enacting experiences and showing them an alternative method.
Think about how you deal with your feelings yourself as well. Don't be too hard on yourself when doing this.
Try to express your own feelings in front of your child.

For example, say something like "I'm very restless and I've noticed I'm getting angry. I need a quick break." Some days, you will be able to handle your child's feelings better than others. This is normal. You will certainly pay more attention to their needs when you're full of energy. Therefore, make sure that you're doing well and that your needs are well covered. Develop strategies to help you stay calm. Take time off and seek support if needed. This will let you recover and gain new strength. You are also welcome to read more on the "eltern-bildung.at" website.

What can you do if your child expresses strong feelings?

For example, create a quiet environment and turn off the radio or TV or remove yourself from the situation.
Take a deep breath and try to stay calm.
Respond to your child by naming their feelings. They could say something like "I can see you're upset at the moment. I'm here. Let's see if we can calm down and find a solution."
Offer your child comfort, reassure them or be a lightning rod for their anger. In any case, stay close if they tell you to go away.
Try to find out what's got your child so worked up and which need isn't being met.
When your child has calmed down again: talk about their feelings. Now ask them to fix things. For example, they should pick up the book on the floor or apologise to the child for biting them.

You can find more information on how to deal with your child's strong feelings at:

Book tips for children:

Und was fühlst du, Känguru? Von Nora Imlau
Was weinst du denn so viel, kleines Krokodil? Von Nora Imlau
Wohin mit meiner Wut? Von Dagmar Geisler